Tick Tock

Heavy sigh, the weekend has flown by so very fast, like the month of October itself – I can’t believe how quickly it has gone. I find myself counting the hours until I can not have anything to eat and drink. Not that I’m hungry, because I’m not really wanting anything, but just because that’s a count down to the next step. I have found myself being a bit more anxious today, I did not sleep soundly last night and find myself worrying that I will wake up late tomorrow and be late for my surgery! At this point, I may not even sleep anyway so I really do not think that will be a problem. I am not sure where the anxiousness is coming from. Maybe because I see the worry in my daughters face, she is very brave, but I know she is worried about her mom. I also see my husband a bit out of sorts. He did not sleep well last night either. And the dogs, our Golden Retriever Madison knows something is up. She has been sticking close by me and I believe she senses I’m not quite myself. Our Miniature Schnauzer, Mr. Gibbs, who has been my side-kick since we got him in April, has been totally out of sorts. He is right now sleeping on my feet as I’m sitting here typing. He has followed me everywhere for the last several weeks. I can not even go into the bathroom without him escorting me. Last night while I was trying to sleep I would find him laying nose-to-nose with me looking at me like “What is wrong mom?” It is so hard to watch everyone around me be so concerned and to know it’s because they love me that they are worried. I love them all too, so very much, but do not like to be the cause of their anxiety – I am suppose to be the one that helps remove that from their lives. What an irony that I am now the cause! I worry about my husband, I know he is a very strong man and he will be fine, but I also know that until he hears I am out of surgery he will have an added level of stress that is not good for his heart. I also know that we are connected, deep down in our roots as if from the very beginning of time, so he knows in his heart I will be okay, and his strength and that of my kids will help me be at peace in the morning as I head off on the next step of my journey. If I did not know that, this whole thing would be unbearable! We have so many wonderful friends and family members outside our immediate clan that I know should something happen to set back my healing time, my husband and kids would be well taken care of. It is just that being a wife for the last 29 years and a mother for the last 26 years has made if difficult for me to back off and let them all take care of me and to let our good friends in close enough to take care of my family. I thank God for everyone He has brought into our lives, we have been extremely fortunate to have the angels around us that we do. To all of you reading this, thank you for being part of OUR journey!

Ah, the count down continues! I have had some wonderful conversations with my very closest friends this evening. They have always been there for me and hearing their voices is such a comfort. We all keep in touch as much as possible via email, living in different cities makes it difficult to see each other as much as we would like, but that doesn’t make the bond we have shared any less strong! I miss our nights at the theatre and the gatherings we have been to together, but I know we will have more of those times. We each have things going on in our lives that keep us from being together in the same place, but we are always together in our hearts, and that is the energy that helps each of us be there for each other at a moments notice!

As the clock ticks down to my next step and I realize I have to make sure (again) that I have everything in order before I go to bed tonight (for the hundredth time) I want to share a story. My husband, the wonderful man that he is, has the most interesting dreams from time to time. I can tell when he’s been dwelling on something but hasn’t quite gotten it out of his system. He told me this morning that the other night he had a dream that he was talking to a taxidermist about a rabbit that he was having worked on. He explained to the taxidermist how the TRAM Flap surgery was going to be preformed to rebuild my breasts after the mastectomy. He wanted to make sure the taxidermist put the breasts on the rabbit just right! Tee hee, I couldn’t help but burst into laughter! I wonder if they will call it a Boob-a-lope? Maybe a Breast-a-lope, heck, Wyoming has a Jack-a-lope so Colorado needs something, right?!? Thanks honey, for making me laugh!

As I close my posting for tonight, I want to say a few things. I know that this whole journey that I am on is a serious thing. It has begun because a cancer has grown in my body, something that was not invited and not expected at all. This time in my life, while I am keeping a positive attitude and approaching this with humor to keep me from letting in the fear that is lurking just outside my door, I am confident that I have the best surgical team, oncologist, and health care providers available. I know that my family and my friends are there for me and no matter what happens, and how this turns out, it has all been for a reason. If nothing else, it was to share how I traveled my journey, and how I dealt with the bumps and at times tripped and had to be helped up by someone. There is always something to be learned by what we must travel through in our lives, and I do believe that each challenge we face makes us stronger and more human. We are here to be examples for each other, and to help each other when help is needed. This is my time to rely on others, and for what ever reason, I accept that and hope that I learn what lessons I must from this so I can help someone else through a journey of their own.

For those of you who want to know how things turn out tomorrow, my husband will be adding postings to my blog while I am unable to. Please see the Hubby’s Notes tab on my blog. He will update it as often as he can for me.

Thank you all for your well wishes, stick with us to see where the fork in the road leads us!